Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Laverne. Laverne was part of a family, with a mom and a dad and a sister and a dog and a cat. Laverne was the smallest in her family, except for her cat, who was the smallest of all.
When Laverne was six years old, her family moved to a new town very far away from her old house. The new town was so far away that Laverne could not go to her old school anymore, because it was too far for the big yellow school bus to come and get her.
Instead Laverne went to a different school, where she had never gone before. At first Laverne did not like her new school, because none of her old friends were there. But after a few days she learned that her new teacher Ms. Gorlumph, was pretty nice, and that there were still fun things to learn and do in school.
Laverne also began to make friends with some of the other children in her class, especially a girl named Alice who sat next to Laverne. But there was one child who Laverne did not like very much, and his name was Bernard.
Bernard was bigger than all the other children in Laverne’s class, and he did not seem to like anyone very much. At recess time, Bernard would make everyone else get off whatever they were on so Bernard could go on it. At art time, Bernard would borrow crayons and would never give them back. If anyone ever tried to tell Bernard ‘No’ he would say terrible things.
The Rhinoceros
Once after Bernard had been particularly mean to Laverne at recess, Laverne told her mom about it.
‘Mom,’ Laverne said. ‘Bernard was mean to me.’
‘What did Bernard do?’ said Laverne’s mom.
‘Bernard said that if I didn’t get off the swings right now, he would have his pet fierce rhinoceros stampede over and poke me with it’s horn.’ said Laverne.
‘Really?’ said Laverne’s mom.
‘Oh, yes!’ said Laverne. ‘And I don’t want to be poked with a fierce stampeding rhinoceros horn, and so I got off right away, and all the other children did too.’
‘Did you see his rhinoceros?’ asked Laverne’s mom.
‘Not exactly’ said Laverne.
‘Where do you think it was?’ asked Laverne’s mom.
‘It must have been hiding’ said Laverne. ‘Maybe it was in his pocket, or in his lunchbox.’
‘Maybe’ said Laverne’s mom, and held up her fingers about this far apart to show how small the rhinoceros would have to be to fit inside a pocket or a lunchbox. And then Laverne’s mom began to wiggle her fingers like a tiny little toy rhinoceros running, and it made Laverne laugh.
‘Maybe he doesn’t even have a rhinoceros at all.’ said Laverne, still laughing at her mom’s fingers pretending to be a rhinoceros.
Several days later, Laverne was on the slide at recess time, and Bernard came up. ‘Get off the slide, or my fierce rhinoceros will stampede over and poke you.’ said Bernard.
‘I don’t believe that you have a rhinoceros’ said Laverne, ‘Unless it’s a tiny little plastic one that can’t hurt anyone’ and she held up her fingers and wiggled them just the way her mom had.
Some of the other children saw Laverne’s wiggling rhinoceros fingers and they began to laugh. Bernard did not laugh. His face got red, and he mad fists with his hands and he started to make noises like ‘RRRRGHRRGH!’
Then Laverne’s friend, Alice pointed to Bernard and said ‘Maybe Bernard is a rhinoceros.’ and this made even Laverne laugh, until Bernard went away to the other end of the playground.
All the rest of recess, every time Laverne wiggled her finger like the toy rhinoceros, all the other children would laugh and laugh.
The Crocodile
The next week, Laverne waited patiently for her turn to go on the slide. Bernard came up and he wanted to go on the slide too, but did not want to wait his turn.
‘All of you little kids have to get off the slide right now.’ Bernard shouted. ‘Or else my hungry crocodile will bite your heads off and eat you right up!’
Now, Laverne and the other children didn’t want to become crocodile lunch, and even watching Bernard slide down the slide seemed like more fun than getting eaten, so they all got right off.
Laverne was not happy about having to lose her turn, and when she got home that night, she told her big sister, Samantha about the hungry crocodile.
Samantha said ‘Did you see Bernard’s hungry crocodile?’
‘Not really,’ said Laverne.
‘Where do you think it was then?’ asked Samantha.
Laverne answered ‘Maybe it was at home, and Bernard was going to call it on the phone and then it would get in it’s car and drive over’ Laverne stopped because Samantha was holding her hand over her mouth triying to not laugh. Laverne realized that it was silly for crocodiles to answer the phone and drive in cars to schools to eat children.
‘I don’t think he has a crocodile at all’ said Laverne.
‘I think you’re right’ said Samantha.
The very next day, Laverne had just gotten to the front of the slide line, and Bernard came over. ‘You better get off that slide, or my hungry crocodile is going to eat you.’ he said. All the children started to leave, but Laverne said ‘I don’t believe you have a crocodile at all.’
‘I do have a crocodile!’ said Bernard. ‘I do! I do!’
‘I’ll bet it sleeps next to your rhinoceros at night’ said Laverne, and she wiggled her fingers in the funny rhinoceros way. All the children laughed at Laverne’s fingers, except Bernard, who got so mad his eyes bugged out.
Then Laverne slid down the slide, because it was her turn next, and Bernard went inside to sulk.
Bluff and Calling the Bluff
Mrs. Gorlumph, who taught Laverne’s class was always explaining new words to the children. One day, she explained a new word ‘bluff’ to the children.
Mrs. Gorlumph said ‘If someone tells you they are going to do something they cannot do, or do not intend to do, then they’re bluffing, and what they told you was a bluff.’
This was very hard to understand – why would someone tell you something that they couldn’t even do?
Laverne asked ‘If someone told you that their crocodile or rhinoceros was going to eat you, would that be a bluff?’
Mrs. Gorlumph thought about it an said ‘If they didn’t actually have a hungry crocodile or rhinoceros, then it would be a bluff. And if you told them to try to do it anyway – that would be ‘calling their bluff’. Of course, you don’t want to call their bluff unless you’re pretty certain that they don’t have a hungry crocodile or rhinoceros.’ Mrs. Gorlumph made her hands pretend to be a crocodile coming to eat Laverne.
Laverne laughed ‘Most of the people I know don’t have any crocodiles or rhinoceroses, hungry or not.’ Then she looked over at Bernard, but Bernard was busy drawing on his desk and not listening to what was going on in the class, and he hadn’t heard any of it.
The Pirhana
During art period, the whole class was working on a giant mural picture about a story that they were reading. Bernard only found one broken off piece of a crayon in his desk, but all the other children had a complete set of crayons in their desk with all the different colors. Bernard came over to Laverne and said ‘You have to give me your crayons now, or my Pirhana fish are gonna chew all the meat right off your bones.’
Laverne didn’t say anything right away, but she looked carefully at Bernard. He didn’t have a Pirhana fish bowl in his hands with Pirhana fish. His pockets didn’t have any water coming out where a Pirhana fish might be. She looked behind Bernard, and there wasn’t any Pirhana fish hiding behind him.
Laverne decided that Bernard didn’t have any Pirhana fish, so she said ‘Go ahead, get your Pirhana fish.’ and then Laverne remembered her dinner from last night. She had gone to the restaurant and had fish for dinner, so she said to Bernard: ‘In fact I like to eat fish: your Pirhana fish and I can see who eats who.’
This made Bernard so upset that Laverne was afraid his eyes would pop right out of his head, they stuck out so far. Bernard didn’t know what to say, because he didn’t really expect to have to get his fish out, and he didn’t have one anyway. So he went away to the far corner of the mural and kept drawing with his one broken crayon.
Alice said to Laverne ‘Would you have really eaten his Pirhana fish?’ and Laverne said ‘I don’t believe he has one, and I ate a fish last night for dinner, so I don’t see why I couldn’t eat his fish too.’ Alice and Laverne both laughed, imagining Laverne eating the Pirhana fish.
The Mountain
At lunchtime, Bernard had lost his lunch and had forgotten to bring in any lunch money, so he went over to Laverne and Alice. ‘You have to give me your lunch.’ Said Bernard.
‘Why?’ said Laverne. ‘Because’ Bernard said, and then he stopped – He knew that he couldn’t bluff with animals because Laverne would call his bluff. ‘Because if you don’t give me your lunch, I’ll drop a whole mountain on your head’ Bernard said.
Alice and Laverne both looked at Bernard. They didn’t see any whole mountains in his hands. They didn’t see any whole mountains in his pockets. They didn’t see any whole mountains hiding behind him. In fact all they could see was a lunchroom full of children, eating lunch, except for Bernard who didn’t have any lunch.
‘Go get your whole mountain’ said Laverne, ‘and after you drop it on my head, you can have my lunch.’ Then Laverne went back to eating her fish sandwich with mayonnaise. Bernard, of course didn’t have any whole mountains, and even if he did, he couldn’t carry one into the lunch room, so he just stood there watching Laverne and Alice eat.
Alice said to Bernard, ‘Look, if you go ask Mrs. Gorlumph nicely, I’m sure she’ll loan you some money so you can buy lunch today. She did that for me last week.’ Bernard of course never asked anyone for anything nicely, so he went and sat alone at a table in the lunchroom, and pulled his scissors out of his pocket (which was against the rules) and poked at the top of the table with his scissors (which was also against the rules) until lunchtime was over.
The Hole
The next week, Laverne and Alice were building a castle in the sand during recess. They were having fun and laughing when Bernard came up.
‘You’ll have to leave now’ said Bernard.
‘Why?’ asked Alice. ‘Because’ started Bernard, and then he paused to think. ‘Because, if you don’t, I’ll get my steam shovel and dig a hole so deep it goes all the way to the lava at the center of the earth and throw you both in.’ Bernard said.
Alice and Laverne looked around. There was no steam shovel in sight. Besides, even if Bernard did have a steam shovel, it would take a long time to dig all the way to the lava at the center of the earth, and recess would be over before Bernard was finished.
Alice smiled at Laverne, and Laverne smiled at Alice. ‘Go ahead’ they both said at the same time. ‘I’d really like to see the lava at the center of the earth,’ said Laverne. ‘You can start right over there,’ said Alice, pointing at the far side of the sand box.
Then Alice and Laverne went back to building their sand castle. Bernard watched them for a long time, they looked like they were having a lot of fun. Bernard thought it would be fun to build too, and not have to play alone all the time. Finally he asked nicely ‘Can help you build your castle?’
Laverne and Alice were stunned. Bernard had never asked nicely for anything before. ‘I guess so.’ said Laverne. ‘Just add more stuff, and don’t break what we have already’ said Alice.
For all the rest of recess, Bernard helped Alice and Laverne build a castle in the sand, and it was almost big enough for them to hide inside by the end of recess.
After that, sometimes Bernard would remember, and ask nicely for things, and sometimes he would forget and bluff mean threats, and the other children would call his bluff.
But more and more he would ask nicely, and by the end of the school year, Bernard had almost completely stopped being mean and making threats altogether, and everyone agreed he was a lot nicer to be around.
The End.